"Seize"

While Ashley and I were lazin' it up, just chillin' and checking out facebook. A notification popped up, and I clicked and our journey to laughter-land began. Here is what went down:
me: Hey Ash, he just called his girlfriend.."spastically beautiful"
Ashley: I just think it's funny because she's epileptic.
Me: OMG!
Ashley: I'm a terrible person.
Me: That's ok...costume party in hell?
Ashley: Yep.
Oh the sh*t my friends say...

"Parkinson's?"

Our friend Kieslana has the shakiest hands known to mankind. While we were pinning her halloween costume we looked down and her hands were moving ninety-to-nothin' and Ashley looks over and says:
"Do you have like, Parkinson's or something?"
Oh...the Sh*t my friends say.....

"Magic Bullet"

Here's the newest gem:

Adam: "Do you know those things that make your hair poof? They are on infomercials."
Ashleigh/Ashley: "Bump-its!"
Adam: "Ya"
Ashley: "They don't work."
Ashleigh: "I have some, and no, they don't."
Adam: "You guys watch too many infomercials."
Ashley: "My favorite is the 'Magic Bullet' one."
Ashleigh: "Isn't that a vibrator?!"

oh the shit my friends say :]

"Vanilla vs Turkey"

So, Ashleigh, Shelby, Adam and I were at Subway and I ordered my normal sandwich, which is turkey, cheese, and lettuce. So I sit down and pull out my sandwich and Adam looks at me and says, "Is that just turkey?!"
Me, "yessss....."
Adam: "Are you serious?! That's like goin to Baskin Robbins and ordering vanilla!"

oh the shit my friends say.

"Terminally Ill"

So Ashley and I were sitting at a restaurant and we noticed a little girl who was sitting behind the register, and she look really ill, possibly a cancer patient. While we were getting ready to order we hear this little girl start to throw a fit, and I couldn't believe what came out of Ashley's mouth:
Ashley: "Just because you are terminally ill, does not give you a reason to act like that!"

Oh the sh** my friends say

"So..... did you want the gum?"

While watching a movie with my friend Courtney I asked her if she had any gum. She dug around in her purse and said that all she had was cinnamon gum. Here's how the conversation went:
Courtney: It's cinnamon, is that ok?
Me: I love anything to do with "Sin" and "Men"
Courtney: So.....did you want the gum?
Oh......the sh*t my friends say....

"I just love men"

While watching "The Fast and the Furious" it showed thw two hotties in uniform. This is how the conversation went:
Ashley: OMG! I LOVE a man in uniform.
Me: ....I just love men.
Ashley: You would.
Oh...the shi*t my friends and I say

"More Asian"

So Ashleigh, Cameron and I were at the Last Frontier and we were talking about Ashleigh's hair cut and how it makes her look like a toddler and an asian. And the conversation went a little something like this:

Cameron: You know, your haircut makes you look like todder.
Me: An asian 5 year old
Ashleigh: Thanks....
Cameron: You know I don't see it..
Me: Really?!
Cameron: You know I have an asian friend and he actually looks like an asian..He's higher up on the asian scale....He might even be a worse driver than you..

Oh the sh** my friends say.

"But there's two "L"s in it!"

While in the Last Frontier with Cameron and Ashley a Colbie Caillat began to play over the intercom. Thus, begininng a discussion of pronounciation. This is how it went down:
Cameron: Isn't her name Colbie Cai-yay?
Me: Call-ay
Cameron: But here's two "L"'s in it. Isn't she french?
Ashley: She's NOT mexican.
Me: I don't give a fuck.
Cameron: Oh....ok then.

Oh the sh** my friends say

"Sisters"

Ashleigh: Oh my god you're like my sister!
Ashley: I know!
Ashleigh: I like you more than my sister.....well, I hate my sister, so that's not a compliment at all.

Oh the sh** my friends say

"Attention Whore"

Ashleigh: I sit in the back of the class for emphasis, that way when I speak, everyone has to turn around.

Oh the sh** my friends say.

"Come here"

My mom: Hey Ash, come here.
Me: Hold on.
My mom: Come here, right fuckin now.......please?


Oh the sh** my mom says

"What's her problem?"

Ashleigh: Oh man.
My mom: What's her problem?
Ashleigh: She's black.


Oh the sh** my friends say.

"Movies"

So I was sitting with Ashleigh today at my house watching some TV and a commercial for Paranormal Activity2, and here's how the conversation went:

Ashleigh: I don't want to see that movie.
Ashley: Paranormal Activity 2?
Ashleigh: Ya, but I know I will.
Ashley: I know what you mean, the first one sucked. My mom said she won't go see it because of the kid in it.
Ashleigh: Ya, throw that fucker against the wall.

oh the sh** my friends say.

"Cookies and Racism"

Shelby had baked cookies for all of us who attend Clark and Cameron wanted to return the favor. So at around 1:00 in the morning he baked her Chocolate Chip cookies. He brought them to school, and low and behold, Shelby was sick. So he was forced to hang onto them for another day. So yesterday we all got our act together and met up in the bakery. After about five minutes of waiting Shelby whips out her phone and texts Cameron. This is the result:
Shelby- "Cookies?!"
Cameron- "Ya girl, Where you at?"
Shelby- "In the bakery. Don't talk like a black person, you're not Ashleigh. lol"
Cameron- "That's racist, but I'm still on my way"
Haha...oh....The shi*t my friends say.

"Juicy"

Once again, us hanging out at our favorite restaurant. Keys, Ashleigh, Kate and I were talking about babies while our friends Zach and Adam were talking off on their own...If you know me, you know I hate kids...So we were talking about how ugly babies are when they are first born, and I end up screaming "IT'S BECAUSE THEY ARE COVERED IN UTERUS JUICE!" Needless to say, it caught the attention of everyone in the restaurant AND the casino...oh the sh** I say.

"Maybe He Should Just Bark"

While I was in South Carolina there was an alligator attack on the resort property. They had three lagoons and each lagoon had an alligator in it. Well sad to say, an alligator attacked a golden retriever. I will spare you the details, but the dog did not survive. Well the resort called in the "experts" and soon they were on the hunt for the beast. After about an hour and a half of baiting the alligator the man stood in the pond and began to  make bird noises. Without even thinking I blurted out "Maybe he should just bark". I covered my mouth in shock! "Did THOSE words come out of MY mouth?!" Needless to say..there was some unhappy people. I snapped some more pictures and walked away. Besides, who needs tact when you have fast reflexes? Oh...I can't believe I said that sh*t.

"Bad Joke"

So this is a story our friend Shelby will never live down...If you know our friend Shelby, you are aware of how absolutely BLONDE she is. So we were in gym class one day and we had a substitute teacher. If you know me, you know I am the queen of racist jokes [though I am not racist, the jokes are just funny]. So we were sitting around telling racist jokes when our substitute teacher, Mr.Martinez, walks up to us and joins in on the fun. He told us some really good ones, and Shelby starts telling her joke in front of everyone, including Mr.Martinez, "What's sign language for Mexican?!", and she proceeds to do the motion [which is 2 legs 'hopping' over a fence]....Everyone at this point is dead silent, except for miss Blonde who is laughing her ass off...after about 10 of the longest seconds of my life, she realizes she told a Mexican joke in front of a Mexican teacher and then tries to play off like she didn't laugh and says "Man, you guys, racist joke are NOT funny!" I then try to salvage the situation by telling the best white joke I know...which is not very good...The teacher just stares at us, and walks away...oh the sh** my friends say [and do]

"Cry Baby"

So, our friend Joe, as always, is quite vulgar. He went grocery shopping with his mom one day and they came across a younger mother and her baby, who was crying in the middle of the store. Joe's mom asks, "What do you think she's thinking right now?", and Joe, being the sensitive guy he is responds without missing a beat, "She's probably thinkin 'Why didn't I get that abortion?'"....oh the sh** my friends say.

"As Most Women Should"

If you know our friend Joe, you know he is NOT an animal person. This is relevant...I promise. One Saturday afternoon Ashley invited us to go with her to a tattoo session over in Woodland. We agreed, and all piled in her car for the adventure.While Ashley was enduring the pain Joe and I were taking pictures and entertaining ourselves....like only ADD kids can. Here is where the animal comes in. The tattoo artist had a dog. This dog would NOT leave Joe alone, no matter how mean he was to her. Finally the tattoo artist looks up and says "Sorry, she should be on a leash"..and without missing a beat Joe scoffs and retorts "As MOST women should". The hum of the tattoo gun pauses and Joe continues on with taking pictures. The tattoo artist is shocked and amazed. Ashley and I however, were not. Oh...the shi** my friends say.

"Sugar"

Joe, Ashleigh and I were hanging out at our favorite restaurant [which we do frequently] and I take a sugar packet that actually reads 'Sugar' and toss it to Joe and say "Here, you dropped your name tag". He then takes a packet of 'equal' and tosses it to me and says "Here's yours, for you damn feminists"...oh the sh** my friends say.

"Coffee Anyone?"

One day Joe and I were hanging out and driving around when we decided that we wanted some coffee. So I take Joe to my FAVORITE coffee stand which I always say is better than Starbucks, and while they were making our drinks I was telling him about this coffee stand across town that my mom is a huge fan of called 'Red Leaf' and doesn't think that my favorite coffee stand is better than her favorite...After talking for awhile and finally getting our drinks, he takes a drink of his coffee and says "Wow, this is actually really good." and I said "I told you! Better than Starbucks!" and Joe says "YA! I told my mom that, but she really likes 'Red Leaf'" and without hesitation I say "OH MY GOD, NO WAY! MY MOM TOO!!!!"....Joe then starts laughing hysterically at me...it was then that I realized he was mocking me...The only words he can get in in between the gasps of air; "YOU ARE SO RETARDED!"......oh the sh** my friends say.

"F.A.C.P"

*DISCLAIMER* THIS POST IS NOT MEANT TO OFFEND ANYONE!

My friend Joe was leaving for college so the day before he left him and about 10 of our friends went out to dinner. We were being obnoxious, like always and we were at some tables that had to be put together, and we had a perfect view of a door that had a sign that read "F.A.C.P" and none of us had ANY idea of what that meant...So we brainstormed some ideas; "fake and clown posse?", "freaks and clam personnel?" "Faculty and Casino Personnel?" ...after about 5 or 6 ideas, Joe comes up with and idea, and decides to share it in a busy restaurant, with no volume control: "Fuck All Colored People!"...oh the sh** my friends say

*ONCE AGAIN, I APOLOGIZE IF THIS OFFENDS ANYONE*

"A Quality Education"

While talking about skipping classes and what to do with our spare time our friend Shelby throws down this little gem: "I paid for college so I can have somewhere to hang out...I mean it's a lot more expensive than a bowling alley, but we're here all the time anyway..."...oh..the Sh** my friends say.

"Chat with a friend"

While talking about how women never lose I was hit with this little diamond :
Me: "Oh no...You will not win. It's a scientific fact. Women never lose."
Cameron: "haha...OH NO! They just get paid less because they want to, and hit closer tees in golf, and run shorter races."
Oh...the Sh** my friends say.

"Dibs?"

So our friends Keys, Joe, Shelby and I were going to lunch one day, but on the way we had to stop by Shelby's bank so she could cash her check. Shelby and Keys ended up going in the bank and Joe and I stay in the car to wait for them. Joe and I were people watching, which we do quite frequently, and I noticed a familiar truck pull up to the bank, and an old man gets out, I proceed to say "Oh my god" and I hide my face. My friend Joe then screams "DIBS!" and lets out this freakin LOUD laughter...All I could do was stare at him, and I finally got the words out: "That's my grandpa!" and to follow, more boisterous laughter...So a few minutes after Shelby and Keys make their way back to the car, and Joe tells them of the event that just took place, and Shelby asks; "So did you take back your dibs?" and Joe, with a shocked look on his face screams "HELL NO! I WON THAT ONE!"...This sh** my friends say.

"Mother"

My friend Ashleigh and I were driving around our hometown one day and noticed some cross-country runners around town. Being out of high school, we noticed how young they look compared to what they used to look like to us. We got to reminiscing about some guy that we both had a crush on back in high school, when we drive past this cute high school boy. Ashleigh says to me "Dibs." (which is a game we play) and I turn to her and say "I'd mother that. *wink*" ....The sh** my friends say

"Caring Boyfriend"

It was a chilly night in La Center when my boyfriend, one of my best friends, and I left The Last Frontier. I stepped outside and cuddled up to my boyfriend and said "Brr..It's freaking cold out here!" He nodded in agreement and said "I'd offer you my jacket, but then I would be cold." Oh....the Sh** my friends say.

"Fruit Fly"

While sitting in the bakery at Clark College one day our friend Cameron, was approached by a mysterious female with two strange male companions. She introduced herself as a "fruit fly". Cameron was puzzled by this and asked for further explaination. She said that she was a girl who had gay friends. Now how did Cameron attract her attention? He made the mistake of ordering a scone from the bakery. When I made fun of him for this he asked what he should have ordered. I wasn't prepared for this question and responded with "I don't know...a muffin?" and he made it into this blog because of this response:  "Why?! Because "Muffin" is now another word for Vagina?" Thank you Lady Gaga...for forever ruining my favorite breakfast item....oh yeah....the shi** my friends say